A few thoughts on gratitude

Throughout this last month, I have been thinking of gratitude, and more specifically of graciousness. They are similar and both so important. I think gratitude breeds graciousness, and graciousness breeds grace.

I have not as yet blogged much about our battle with infertility, but I want to share a few observations with the world. I have lots of thoughts and feelings about infertility, not all happy of course, but I am grateful for this experience. I think the most valuable lesson I have been learning in the last few months is graciousness and grace. Let me explain:

Infertility for us began in the summer of 2007 when we decided to quit taking birth control and hopefully get pregnant. All our plans from that point began to revolve around our family expanding to include a baby. After months of no success, we realized we couldn't plan our lives according to what we hoped would happen, but just with what we could see would happen and simply leave the rest in God's hands.

Something to know, especially if you have never dealt with infertility, is that there is a cycle that people - men and women - go through when coming to terms with infertility. This cycle includes disappointment, resentment, anger, depression, loneliness, bitterness, grief and by the end, understanding and peace. This cycle does not have a certain time line, although there is usually a certain order. But it doesn't have to happen only once. A person can go through this cycle multiple times and even through the complete cycle all in one day. Truly, it's emotional.

For us, we both went through this cycle one big time at slightly different speeds and then have since had little relapses just depending on life or daily events. At this point though, James and I are both very at peace with the situation. We are super-excited about adoption and willing to talk to anyone and everyone about it or infertility. We have finally come to the point of accepting this as part of our mortal learning experience and want to share our thoughts to help anyone else who may be struggling through their pain. It really takes a lot to say the wrong thing to us now at this point. (Basically, what I'm saying is don't feel afraid to talk to us about this.) :)

Eventually, after two years of no success, we started to see a fertility doctor. He was a fantastic doctor and has truly ruined all future doctors for me as he set the bar so spectacularly high. It has been a year and half since then and we're still not pregnant although we still have hope. All we know at this point, is that we need the help of medical drugs and doctors and we should still be able to get pregnant, God willing. We are impatient to start our family and fertility treatments can be expensive so we've applied and been approved for adoption. Now, we are anxiously awaiting that very special birth-mother who will choose us with whom to place her child.

Now that you understand a little more of where my thoughts come from, here is what I have been learning about graciousness and grace. I have been very impatient to start our family and the next stage of our lives. Some days, usually the ones that are frustrating because I have had to work or do something that I would normally not have to do if I had children - on these days, it is easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side. There are so many benefits to being pregnant or to having children when you have neither. Eventually, I snap out of this silly thought process and I know that the grass is never greener. The grass gets only as green as it can with the amount of water I give it.

Therefore, I have been trying to water my grass more. I had to give a talk two weeks ago in Church and while I was sitting up front, James realized that there weren't enough young men to pass the sacrament, so he jumped up and went to help pass. We could not do that if we had a baby or young children who needed to be sat with during those first twenty minutes of church. There are many moments when family or friends call us to immediately be of service, to run an errand or watch their children. We could not respond so quickly if we had our own children to get ready or if I were pregnant and sick all of the time. There are many similar moments where I think, "It is a blessing, as much as I want to have children, that we are able to forget ourselves so fully and serve in this certain way."

I am learning to be happy in my own life situation. I am finding the good of today which is a skill that I want to possess my whole life. I often hear women complain about their children, about their bodies, about their motherhood responsibilities, and I wonder if they realize how badly I want those problems? I am learning that while I wish so much to be spit up on by my baby, or to change dirty diapers every day, they are wishing to have time to be crafty, or to write this long of a blog. In every stage of life, there are positive and negative aspects. I am learning to appreciate both and enjoy both as they are temporary.

A plea to mothers who already have children to raise: please show more respect and love for your station in life. You have one of the highest honors God could bestow. You are serving in a fantastic way. There is no shame in teaching children to love God, in teaching them to be responsible, to make correct choices, to love one another. There is no shame in not fitting in a ridiculously-sized pair of jeans, or in not having a perfectly spic and span home. There is honor in a woman who loves her family, who openly loves her role as a mother and speaks positively of her current mortal experience. There is honor in a woman who takes care of her body, who dresses in a way that shows respect for her body. There is honor in a woman who can be at peace with life and show acceptance for all that God has to teach her. Please, do not belittle your children, or your responsibility to care for them. Such comments are what still hurts for those who deal with infertility.

Susan Easton Black is a wonderful scholar and writer, particularly about the early church history. She is THE expert on Joseph Smith and that time period. She wrote a talk entitled, "Happiness in Womanhood." I really like this excerpt:
"Lucy Mack Smith was also well acquainted with sorrow. Some particularly difficult experiences for her were the loss of the family farm in New York, the imprisonment of her husband and children, the death of her husband in 1840, the murder of two sons in 1844, and the death of her son Samuel 32 days later from complications arising from being chased on horseback by a mob. Of her six sons who lived to maturity, five had died by 1845.

Of her griefs, she said, “I often wonder to hear brethren and sisters murmur at the trifling inconveniences which they have to encounter … and I think to myself, salvation is worth as much now as it was in the beginning of the work. But I find that ‘all [would] like [to] purchase [it], [but] few the price will pay.’”"

As I have learned to love my life and everything about it, I have begun to be more gracious with what comes into it. As each day passes and a baby hasn't fallen from the sky into my lap, I realize more and more that God has a plan and a timing for that plan and I have to trust Him to execute that plan with perfection. The longer I mope and delay completing this part of the plan, the longer it will take to move on in my eternal education. And I can see, that as I am more gracious toward and about my life, I am able to speak and act with more grace in all things therein concerned.

It is still difficult some days to be completely content, but I am learning. When I am finally a mother with children to raise, I want to still be gracious and have grace toward all that may come my way. When my children are disobedient, or all sick with flu, or crash the car, or take all my time, or keep me up all night, I want to speak and act with grace as I believe a mother in God would. And when they are all grown and I'm a grandmother, or if I never have children to raise and I'm an old lady with no direct descendants, I still want to have gratitude, graciousness, and grace.

My wonderful sister-in-law told me a story about her day a while ago, and I haven't forgotten her response. She said that she thought to herself, "Is this my test?" We know we are all here to be tested and it may well be the little daily irritants that are our test in life. It may be the ability to love our daily life that is the true mortal test. If this is my test, I want to succeed. I plan to succeed.